A Big Beautiful Gray Bow: The last of the Opening Series on Both/And

A big beautiful gray bow

By now you’ve hopefully read the first four opening newsletters and this is the final in the “opening series”. If you haven’t start here: https://both-and-of-it.beehiiv.com/p/the-first-both-and-of-it

But before we step off the beehiiv-brink together and go into existential-angst-land together, I want to remind you why I feel so compelled to write about this topic.

If you remember from the very first newsletter, I have a daughter. In that article, I described the feelings I felt when she was born.

They were unsuspected to say the least. (Go back and read it before you move on, or not)

On that day after my daughter was born, I knew I was up for a challenge. I felt it so deep in my bones because I was presented with new information based upon historically familiar information. The contortion in my soul was unmistakable.

On one hand, the idea of being a parent (whether it’s a dog, cat or human parent) is daunting to anyone before they decide to do it. It evokes deep feelings of insecurity. You wonder out-loud, is this for me?

However, after you make the decision, you are filled with glee at the “what-if” of parenthood.

The dog outfits.

Or human outfits.

Growing up together. Hearing first words together. Taking your cat to the mall in a cat-stroller together. Eventually having them look back and thank you together.

And then reality hits in the delivery room or shelter room. You are now responsible for another human or animal and that being relies on you and you alone (or with another person) to be the one who protects, cares for, feeds, mends, and loves them infinitely for as long as you shall live.

It’s intense.

From the outside, months or weeks before that moment, the same scenario invokes euphoria at the thought of raising something to happiness and love and meeting it for the first time.

But when you’re inside, in a moment, you’re met with feelings of doubt, insecurity, fear and downright “holy shit can I actually do this”.

So what is that all about?

Let’s find out together, shall we?

What this newsletter ongoing will be about by exploring what it’s not about

This isn’t a “baby bearing” newsletter as a reminder. Nope, no major parental advice from this guy.

But what my story and the above story does do is explore both/and through a topic that is familiar to some, many or all of us. In this case - wavering at the idea of parenthood.

Before I dive into this topic, let me first lay out for you that what we’re looking for are patterns. Not the kind on your Grandma's shawl, or in those funky pants you only wear for “special occasions”. No, not today.

Today, we’re looking for familiar patterns of competing interests, shades of gray, paradox or what I’m hoping you’ll refer it to as “both/and”. When you see it, it’s a signal to you to look deeper at the problem from a paradoxical, both/and, not-tied-to-any-outcome-in-particular mindset.

Which is freeing.

And in the end that feeling is the goal. To free yourself, your friends, family or that random man shaking his fist at the sky from the ever present demand of being perfect or right or absolute in your choices or actions in this life.

We’ll do that by exploring topics that are relevant with (when possible) experts who know the topics inside and out, and then look past the problem and into the fine print text substrate of its context, extract the patterns of both/and (or not) and resurface with a greater understanding.

This newsletter will take issues of the day (work, cultural, relationship, pop culture, political, world and beyond issues), throw them into the blender of both/and and spit out a creamy, rich, convoluted and herringbone-gray look at the same problem.

Sounds inviting doesn’t it?

Now back to having babies, or not.

“There used to be a lot of either/or, either parenthood is wonderful or it’s terrible.”

The numbers are, well they’re there when it comes to parenting or deciding to become one. On Google alone, there are 2.7 billion search results to the question of “Should I become a parent or not” and since 2004 alone (when Google search results are available) the number of those searching for that answer dipped almost 50%.

In 2023, the average birth rate per 1000 people was 12.023 births which was slightly up from 2022 numbers. However, since 1950, according to the U.N. yearly world population report, the average births per 1000 people went from almost 24 births per 1000 in 1950 to our current state of 12 in 2023.

If you do the math, you get the picture.

More gray. More uncertainty. More instability. Less kids. Less parents.

So what are we to make of this? Take a 2018 pre-pandemic look at an article by Hannah Seligson in the New York Times titled “Scared to be a Parent” and you’ll see an intimate look at this Google-search-term-incarnate issue.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/30/style/scared-to-be-a-parent.html

The reasons behind the decline in birth rates aren’t the subject of this article specifically but it indirectly deals with the larger issue that precedes having a baby, deciding whether you want to or not. The either/or nature of this question isn’t so black and white as our parents-parents would have you believe.

Take this quote from Katie Wilson, who was featured in the article and asked about her feelings prior to deciding not to have children, “I was having panic attacks, and it was this horrible uncertainty to go through.”

For others, this uncertainty leads to uncomfortable conversations with parents or loved ones who see the decision as certain. They see it as black or white. You have kids, or you’re not part of the conversation to begin with. It’s because of these legacy societal (yet still relevant) pressures that give so many parents the yin and yang of precariousness.

That’s why there are specialists like Merle Bombardieri and Ann Davidman who are both experts in the field of “The Baby Decision” as Bombardieri’s book coins it.

Both Davidman and Bombardieri have written books and consult on the same topic and both have similar views on this most precarious and anthropologically speaking, “evolutionarily critical” decision. They both see this problem through both the lens of struggling parents who grapple with their own fears and insecurities, and the looming and growing societal uncertainty of our time.

Do they see this issue as either/or? No. Quite the contrary.

Take this section from the article: “The pendulum is swinging toward more focus on this gray area,” said Ms. Bombardieri, whose practice for the last 30 years has focused primarily on those who are uncertain about having children. “There used to be a lot of either/or, either parenthood is wonderful or it’s terrible.” But now there are many in the messy middle, caught between the poles of making one of life’s most important, and irreversible, decisions.”

While we can see both sides clearly from the outside-in perspective (having kids or fur babies can be both uplifting/fulfilling/worthwhile and….not) it’s this insider view that carries the most weight and profoundness.

“Society doesn’t like ambivalence” says Ms. Davidman.

How true.

The growing ambivalence towards child bearing results in a growing frustrated and sometimes outright combative response from some cultural spearheads of our time. Take Elon Musk’s own reactions to the issue of declining birthrates as one barometer of the zeitgeist who himself characterized the declining birthrate numbers as a “much bigger risk to civilization than global warming”. He himself has several children too.

Where either/or thinking exists, so does growing rancor with one side to the other, and vice versa.

There is a rapidly growing subset of message boards, blogs, Youtube videos, books and more all dedicated to the topic of choosing not to have kids.

So what are we, the both/and’ers to make of this?

Start by listening to our resident baby-choice expert Ms. Bombardieri, “There is no such thing as 100% certainty,” and we can begin to see how this problem should rightfully take shape.

The Yin side (to have a baby):

• Birth rates are declining; societal collapse could be a possibility

• There are plenty of parents who love their decision to have children; in Pew Research just this year nearly 37% of parents who were asked “Are they happy with their decision to procreate” say absolutely yes compared to only 6% who said absolutely no.

• Many studies cite child (and even fur–baby) rearing to be very mentally healthy and a fundamental part of our human psyche

• Kids eventually grow up

The Yang side (to not have a baby):

• They are very expensive (according to recent research, a child will cost nearly $17,000 per year per kid to raise)

• There is danger too many to list and you’re responsible for their well being

• You just don’t want to.

Listing the both/and of the issue is our first step and frames the conversation writ-large in a Ross-from-friends, bullet-pointed, and clear way of looking onward sort of way (no pro or con here).

From here, it’s important to re-ask the original question in mind: To have a baby or not?

This where we inject some context because context is king and from our last article on MAYA (LINK HERE) we know that moving forward requires us to understand who we’re even answering this for. Whether you’re answering this question for yourself or for your ever-asking Mother who wants to know if the ticking of your biological clock is loud enough yet, it’s important to at least frame this question with some context.

The key here is to engage your empathy or make-believe mind and see the world through your target-audience’s mind.

Context:

• Never-been-parents: this issue is very gray and scary to boot. No one knows perfectly how any story will end before the first word is written, but for parents who are choosing whether or not to have kids, lean on experts who look at this issue in detail while also searching out recent-parents as well.

• Parents of potential parents: This isn’t about you and your ability to see into your children’s hearts now is more important than ever. Think of your own decision to have your child (or children) and remember the fear and uncertainty of that decision at every step of the way. Outside-in perspectives are dangerous and lead to absolutism. Don’t fall trap here.

• Cultural clap-backers: Whether you’re a Twitter-warrior, Thanksgiving-meal cherub of justice, or just a concerned friend of a friend who is making the decision, ultimately you don’t have a say over someone else’s decisions. Yes, there is compelling evidence on both sides of this argument and being aware of these details is important to those who are ultimately deciding. Understand your role and where your affect will have no effect. Feel free to mute yourself when necessary.

In the end M.A.Y.A (or better yet, what did we learn folks?):

First off, we learn that both/and is alive and well in those that engage in this topic. From the parents to the experts we could see direct quotes using those both/and patterned words like “horrible uncertainty”, and “gray area”. Yes, these should act as dog whistles to let you know you’ve stumbled onto the pattern. From there, it becomes our job to dig in and learn why the issue is in fact that way.

This section of “MAYA” also becomes important to help us reconstruct the problem or issue along the lines of audience-context and the yin-yang we’ve learned about.

Realizing there is no-one answer is ultimately an exercise in your own restraint but it also doesn’t mean you can’t come out on one side or another, just acknowledge that regardless of what side you’re on - there is another equally important side.

In short: we learned that while having kids is a societal priority for moving humanity forward (by having some of us around throughout time to propagate it) the decision of when or whether or not to have children isn’t a small or trite decision. It impacts many people and most importantly: the impact it makes on those who decide is profound. It is heart-wrenchingly true that a parent who says yes to kids, has them, only to lose a child is forever broken but it’s also true that the parent who never was might sleep easier at night knowing their decision was throughout.

It’s also comforting to know there are those whose day-jobs are dealing with this very issue and have altruistic intentions and resources to help those who seek answers.

Final result: It’s pretty darn gray. Knowing why you choose to have kids or not, and having taken the time to arrive at that decision will be very valuable in the end.

My story of parenthood is gray. It is filled with moments of bliss every single day, but I can’t escape some of my own sorrow around this topic. I am nestled in the camp of “I’m very happy that I’m a parent but a do-over with the same kids would be warranted”.

As this newsletter goes on, I’ll sprinkle details of my own story in where necessary.

So what now?

What you’ve just read is actually the first newsletter on a topic using this both/and format to dissect an issue, in this case, deciding to have kids. In the future, we’ll tackle subjects that parents are completely one-sided to many where possible, or just curious in nature to others.

Regardless of the subject, the goal will remain the same.

Find the pattern, understand both sides, reconstruct along familiar lines.

Find commonality.

Find the reasons why you and I aren’t all that different.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Live happily ever after.

Are you ready?